Valentine’s Day… the most dreaded holiday for single people around the world and one of the happiest for those of us lucky enough to be in love. This year I am one of the millions of single people (so if you too are single, just remember, you are absolutely not alone) in the world. I should probably have just stayed home, put on sweatpants, and watched BBC’s Pride and Prejudice with my cat right? Isn’t that the purpose of Valentine’s Day for single folks? To remind us how alone we are? Well not this year Hallmark. I honestly couldn’t have been more excited for Valentine’s Day 2012 because even though I am not in a relationship, I am in love, finally… with myself. So this Valentine’s Day is full of happiness and appreciation for me, and all that I’ve overcome in the past year.
A year ago today I was in unhealthy relationship (my first “real” relationship, which as a result was far more intense and delusionary than what is healthy and normal), that started bad and ended worse (life lesson learned: any relationship that starts off bad… is not a good one). I remember being so happy on Valentine’s Day and so miserably sad, how could the two polar opposite feelings be so intense at the same time? This day last year kicked off a chain reaction of events: the end of a relationship I thought I couldn’t live without even though it was not-so-slowly destroying me, 25 years of suppressed personal issues bubbling up to the surface, emotional and physical self-inflicted destruction and self-hate, a complete mental breakdown (woo!), weeks of missing work, illness after illness… until eventually, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself except I knew I didn’t want to live the rest of my life in my current state. So I did what my mother taught me to do…buck up, turn off the Adele, and deal with what my life had been the last quarter of a decade.
Through months of finally getting some help, amazing amounts of support and love from friends and family, and the acknowledgement that I don’t want to accept feeling like sh*t all the time I came out of it all. Addressing lifelong issues that had been harboring inside me for years and years. The breakup was a catalyst for sure, but my pain was pouring through my veins long before. The road was painful, embarrassing, humbling, and empowering. And now I stand taller, stronger, happier, healthier, saner… and know that I am my best ally, best friend, and until the day I die, I’m the one who will be there til the end.
So this Valentine’s Day, I bought myself flowers, because I feel great, and you know what? I think I am pretty great. Sure, still flawed, still sad sometimes, still a bit of a b*tch, but nobody’s perfect I love myself, and will continue to never settle for anyone who I can’t love, and in the future, I now know my worth, and will never ever settle again for someone who doesn’t equally love and respect me in return (life lesson #2). So until that time comes, I’m doing pretty darn good and if you’re in the mood to pity the “loners” take it elsewhere.
Happy Valentine’s Day Everyone!
p.s. Today is also an anniversary of sorts. 4 years ago to the day I made a decision that completely changed my life for the better, and before I had ever thought of dealing with all the other bologna in my life, I mark this day in 2008 as the first puzzle piece I connected to making myself whole again… but that’s for another blog post
p.p.s. On my way to work today, wearing my super cute bright red pants, I wiped out on the street ripping open my knee, almost got run over by a cab and then bled through my brand new pants on my way to work… I suppose some things will never change!